It's been 2 years and 3 months now since I loss my father from a cancer. The pains and regrets of not able to see him and spend time with him on his last few days are still here. It's like a ghost haunting me almost every day of my life.
I remember my father as a tough man but a soft father. He was not perfect but he was the best father that we could ever have, proud of and loved. He was protective that made us feel safe whenever he was around. He was thoughtful and showy that made us feel comfortable; and thought that everything was alright. He taught us to be open and honest in our feelings - pushed us to be straightforward and brave in our words. He was not just our father but also, our best friend.
Still hearing some of our last conversation with my promise inside my head.."I'm coming back home soon, wait for me", I said. And he replied, "Yes". And our last few chats..and the very last video chat. I was shocked and in disbelief to read a message that he passed away few hours from our last video chat..I had a feeling that he was going though but kept myself to have faith that he could hold on..a little long...as I'm coming home soon...
In my loving father's memory I made this poem:
My Father's Brave Words
In the dark room, haunted every night
|Generoso P. Angeles|
10 June 1940 - 23 March 2012
I thought it was normal…I thought it was all right…
Uttered brave words…showed strong face…But confused.
I hear voices… I see scenes flashing so fast in my inner sight.
Trembling of my heartbeat, it was like just yesterday.
Like movies playing back that making me smile, laugh and cry.
Oh, how I’m dying to hold them back.
I recall the moment, I see you in tears from pains and sorrows just like this.
You said, “It is fine and that is how life will be. Only He knows when our time will cease.”
You uttered brave words…showed strong face…and comforted me.
And undoubtedly made me believe this is easy.
You told me a thousand times, all of us will rest and leave.
Life is our journey that will soon end;
But you will be happy to leave us with strong faith in heaven.
And in that place all of us will be united again.
I know I will get old, weak and die just like you.
I am thinking it is normal…I am thinking it is all right…
I am uttering brave words…showing strong face…and copying you.
But scared of I can’t be strong enough just like you.
Wait! Oh father, you left me unprepared as what I’ve thought.
In this dark room as your memory stays… and as I recall…
You never stop uttering brave words….you never leave.
Now, I understand – “Have strong faith in heaven” – and that’s it.